i have this organizer application on my iphone that shows this annoying number at the corner of the application icon, indicating the number of unfinished tasks i have for that day. annoying to people like me, who like everything clean and uncluttered, who make sure there are no unread mails in her email inbox. all i have to do, really, is to turn the checkbox i have next to each task into a bullet so that it will not be registered as an undone task. but again, i am anal that way; i do not want to lie to myself, and it does feel good to be able to check off your tasks.

i slaved the whole of yesterday to complete my tasks and went to bed with a roaring headache. meaning to sleep in, i set no alarms but woke up at half-past seven, thinking it must be past ten. disappointed at my inability to sleep in and the headache that refused to go away, i returned to bed past eleven and spent the next three hours dreaming about days back in the civil service and and an intray i could never clear. woke up, and here i am, getting ready to start on my two tasks for the day. this is good – i have stopped procrastinating; but perhaps i need to set more realistic deadlines for myself.

but here’s the earth-shattering realization for the day – how much i had taken the silences that surrounded me back home for granted. it hit me earlier that my sleep problems were probably compounded by all the incessant noises that crowd into my little room here. the trains start running at about five in the morning and stop only past midnight. students start making their way to the high school past seven in the morning and sometimes stay till night. high school girls, incidentally, are a different breed of creature altogether in japan. they are well-respected as a very important consumer group with their own unique subculture and living habits. but their voices! that sharp, nasal tone – at times whiney, at times excited – truly grates on my nerves. and those cheerleaders. urgh. i do believe they are doing something to permanently damage their voices, so that they may be quiet, submissive wives when the time comes.

but that’s not all. last night, there was a group of drunk bikers who took it into their mind to keep the engines of their bikes on for an hour while announcing their drunken-ness through shouts and laughter. some kind of drilling work started this morning, giving a good, steady bass tone to all those other noises. and to cap it all off, the crows inject their dose of cheerful daytime music at frequent intervals. and above all these, i faithfully sit through three hours of primetime television every night.

the more i  hear these sounds, the more sensitive i become to them, and the more they seem to taunt me deliberately. like how the train chooses to go by with a long blast of the horn at the exact point my senses reach that thin line between waking and sleeping. or how my neighbor decides to speak on the phone in angry bursts of korean at two in the morning.

i thought of stepping out to get some earplugs but i truly dislike sticking things in my ears. perhaps i should just get some pills. or  get roaring drunk. i would just really like to get some deep, undisturbed sleep for once in a while tonight. no dreams, no waking up suddenly, no befuddled confusion about being awake or asleep.

for days now, i have woken up with the sun at about 5 and worked non-stop at the computer till dinner time whereupon i collapse, eyeballs burning, onto the bed. yet, my mind and body, running on some kind of strange adrenaline, refuse to shut down properly at the end of the day – you know how computers running on windows tend to do have problems closing programmes, or start installing updates right when you really want them to just shut up and shut down? that is what my brain feels like these days. my sleep continues to be restless, and i think about coffee the way they talk about chickens and eggs – do i drink coffee because i do not get enough quality sleep and need to stay awake during the day, or do i not get enough quality rest because i drink too much coffee during the day?

i am a busy person.

but the truth is (i feel as if i need to clarify this because i do whine. a lot.) there is a certain enjoyment i derive from driving myself this way. i would much rather be frustrated doing research than not be frustrated doing anything else. and i suppose, to a certain extent, i prefer having my time filled to the utmost brim than sit around nervously, wondering if i have forgotten something because… well, because… how is it possible to actually be free? i whine endlessly about wanting to have time to read fiction and take long walks and drink red wine, but i cannot quite handle yet the guilt that comes with enjoying life; it is too soon, and i haven’t quite done enough to deserve any of that.

but that doesn’t make me quite a crazy masochist yet, i think. if i were, i would certainly not be what the japanese call my pace; i would probably be a series of nervous twitches and be far more efficient than i am now (and likely then, be able to sleep more while accomplishing more). and i certainly would not be blogging when i should be working. or getting up to clean the toilet even when i am this close to finishing a piece of work, only because i want to take a break and cleaning the room is the most time- efficient kind of break that i know of. for all my whining, i believe, deep inside, that i am a rather mentally and emotionally stable person who loses it only for about a week and a half every month (perhaps on full moon nights too, but i never really observed those patterns). it is a rather reassuring thought.

woke up this morning to a cozy, rainy day. it had actually been cold enough to put on the heater last night, so, lulled by the rain and the toasty warmth in the room, i did not manage to extricate myself from my blankets till well past ten today.

it has almost been a month, but i still feel strangely disjointed every saturday, accustomed as i have been to spending saturday mornings looking through music scores and readying my voice for practice. these days, i clean the room, do some work, daydream, and timidly attempt to do some vocal exercises – timidly because i do not want a rumour to start going around the dormitory, about a certain haunted room on the sixth floor.

work has increased exponentially in just one week, and i am starting to feel a little breathless just trying to keep up. a fortune teller once told me that i am destined to lead a life of hard work despite being a naturally lazy person, and i am so afraid that he may be right.

i have been invited to participate in a joint research project, and spoke to several researchers last night at one of the project meetings. i was more than a little surprised to learn that many of them had left school with a heavy debt and no employment prospects, but were fortunate enough to have husbands to live on. certainly, i had done my research before taking the plunge, but to find so many such researchers gathered in one room – all female – was somewhat discouraging. i do not think my search for the perfect expat husband will come to fruition any time soon, and am rather afraid that i will be doomed to collecting favors at soup kitchens unless i somehow manage to publish at least 10 papers in the 3 years to come. how is that even humanly possible?

i suppose some of my anxiety is showing, and more than one person has told me to relax, that i still have much time ahead of me. but sometimes, the weight of being a single woman with retiring parents back home comes crashing down on my shoulders, and i begin to wonder if i should have stayed in the civil service instead. but that is pointless musing, so i turn to my books and papers instead. the first paper has to be ready for submission by the end of summer. reality looks rather grim right now, but i suppose there is no greater motivating force than a little drama.

i fell asleep again last night without finishing what i had set out to do. despite being able to rise before 7 every morning without an alarm, i am in despair over my ‘cinderella situation.’ i need more time; more time to walk, read, think, write… even time to mope around. there just doesn’t seem to be enough time. already, april is coming to an end. summer, and then fall. seasons really do change the way we perceive time.

i do feel somewhat more settled now. i go to school, go for choir, have deadlines to meet, clean and wash and scrub, go for solitary walks, ponder and worry, dream and weep. i am lulled to sleep by, and wake up to, the sounds of trains running by my window every day; i listen, every saturday morning, to the coordinated sounds of cheerleaders practising at the high school right across the railway tracks; i watch the cherry blossoms bloom and wither, giving way to a dazzling array of colorful spring flowers. yellow! purple! red! i sit through earthquakes, watching my teacup shake and wondering if i should run. now. now. alone, and yes, sometimes lonely. but cool with it all.

if someone were to ask me, how are you? i suppose i can finally say, without having to lie through my teeth, that i am fine, thank you.

i woke up this morning thinking i had a nervous breakdown. my hands shook so badly i could not take my breakfast, and had to resort to gripping a spoon as firmly as i could while i shovelled the food down. and then there were the gastric pains; my heart was in my mouth, and going a little too fast for early morning. all the things i was supposed to complete today, tomorrow, and the day after, crowded in on my brains, which rejected them most fiercely and tried to say i cannot! i wondered briefly if this was how people felt before they suffered from heart attacks, but remembered that there were supposed to be chest pains, and felt relieved.

many deep breaths later, i feel somewhat human again. my mind does not seem to be programmed to say i can’t, my pride refuses to allow it – there is a defiance in me that does not usually rear its head, but today, it demands that i do all that i have to, and more.

in a moment of weakness, i sent s a message, a sort of not-quite-so-subtle plea for help. and he, typically, came back to me in several long messages berating me, forcing me to acknowledge my own limits, and finally… have a good rest. at times like this, i fail to understand, or remember, why we even broke up in the first place.

working late, for me, means several things. one, the inevitable shoulder ache resulting from typing incessantly for many long hours. two, the inevitable snacking resulting from boredom and attempts to stave off sleep. three, the inevitable diarrhea that results from a combination of point two and cold tea. four, the inevitable encounters with creatures of the night.

i walked to the kitchen earlier to get a cup of water, but never actually managed to get into the kitchen. the minute i turned on the light, i saw two giant cockroaches ambling across the kitchen floor, bold as brass, without a care in the world. they were huge, even by asian standards, and would have made a lovely crunch if some cockroach predator had been present (some kind of bird, i presume?). but i had neither the desire nor courage to prey on them, so turned the lights back off in a hurry and left my thirst unquenched. it is a sad day for humans and one of triumph for household pests when a human would rather go without water than risk a close encounter with one of their kind.

earlier in the evening, however, dad scored one for our kind when he unwittingly crushed a baby lizard beneath his mighty foot in our bathroom. going in later, i saw the sad, twisted carcass on the floor and mourned a little. i do not like lizards (though they rank higher than cockroaches on my scale), but dead babies of any kind are always a pathetic sight to behold.

i do not understand why i have to be the sole witness of these creatures more often than not in our household. it must be my retribution for being a pest exterminator in my previous life.

hello, it’s the eve of chinese new year.

i woke up in a state of shock and panic (i seem to wake up in that state half the time), which soon turned into resignation. at half-past five in the morning, i put fresh sheets over my bed, put up the new picture, and cleared away all the clutter, all ready to face the year of the moo-moo with a heap of unfinished work. they say no work must be done on new year’s day, lest you end up slogging for the rest of the year. but oh, how can there be time not to? in any case, the non-chinese world continues to work through the day and seem to be none the worse for it, so i shall throw caution, superstition, and beauty sleep to the wind.

still, i cannot help but feel little twinges of excitement and festivity. smells of cooking abound in the air, pretty red things dot the house, and a fresh breeze dashes past me every now and then, proclaiming, as i feel i must, new year! new year! and despite all the tiresome relatives to be dealt with year after year, i think i can safely claim that this is my favourite festival of all time.

you heard it from me. happy chinese new year!

waking up ten minutes ago with a sore throat so bad i could not sleep, i prowled the house, gurgled with salt water, and sat down to work with the tissue box parked next to me.

i hate having the flu.

went to bed with a fever and the shivers, praying to be well enough to work, at least, when i next wake up. alas, the vain optimism that (all too often) fails us! my head pounds, my nose leaks, and my throat… my throat! is facing a fate too dismal to be recorded for posterity.

but work i must; i must work. and think twice, thrice, before overdosing on red wine again.

three full days of the runs have doused my passionate call for civic action and world peace, but i am too in love with eggs florentine and morton’s (free) steak sandwiches to abstain from food so that things could be just that little bit better, so i shall retire meekly and whine about other things instead.

like how work returns after a brief lull – not in the form of a pleasant drizzle, but rather, all at once like a sudden cold shower. i have too much work again, and am somewhat torn between relief and despair. and i hate it when i cannot settle on a single emotion, so it has generally been an annoying day.

the weather won’t settle into any sort of permanency either. i strutted out with my sunglasses at three in the afternoon today, only to remove them and don a cardigan just two hours later because it started to pour. and pour. and pour. i haven’t been friends with sunglasses for something like… ten years (because when you are young and poor, you can generally only afford the variety that makes you look like you need a white cane too). i suppose i should be grateful that i could be as pretentious as i wanted to be for at least a couple of hours.

and in the vein of young bloggers who like to detail every single thing that happened in their lives, and every single thing they have to do in the next twenty-four hours – did i mention that i have yet to look through that nightmare of a piece for tomorrow’s practice; nor have i learnt the arias for voice class the day after (incidentally, the new assignment is due that very same morning); nor have i completed the photo-video i am supposed to be making for The Bride on behalf of ten friends (or thereabouts) and the wedding is in all of four days. i received the manuscript for the new book i am supposed to be working on for the next three months and really have no inclination to even glance at the first chapter (which is due, again incidentally, on the day i return from The Wedding).

i don’t suppose anyone understood any of that, or even cared to read through it (but it is all so meaningless, i would likely respect you more if you had not read it)… but then i write for no one to begin with. i am still not sure why i blog so much when my words do not mean anything to anyone. perhaps having a nom de plume makes me feel mysterious and important, and possibly famous. or perhaps it looks a little more sane than sitting around talking to myself the whole day. or perhaps i could pretend that someday, it would become a celebrated book – a record of life in the twenty-first century, a study of creative expression on the web, a testimonial to the infinite greatness of unlimited cable connection.

oh, i think i’ve lost my point. do you not think it is admirable that i actually spell out all my numbers?

i escaped to starbucks, hoping to shake off the lethargy and get down to the shampoo translation, which should really take only an hour or so if i put my mind to it. yet here i am… blogging.

i like to sit in a cafe with my work and a cappucino when the crowd is quiet and the music restful, when the murmur of like-minded people and the hum of the espresso machine form a non-intrusive backdrop to the tap-tap-tapping of your fingers on the keyboard. but the crowd is somewhat rowdy today, full of euphoric teens on their year-end break. i find myself unable to make anything of the japanese characters on the shampoo bottle, and so… i blog.

truth be told, i am rather tired of the bridesmaid do. outwardly, i am all bubbly enthusiasm because too much girlish friendship is at stake – all the golden rules say it is nothing less than an honour of the highest kind to be asked to walk with your friend down that once-a-lifetime aisle. but i rebel inside. i really do not think i could face any more gown fittings nor talk of shoes, jewellery, manicure, and photo shoots. i also cannot quite believe that our gowns are orange because the bride wants us to match her ballroom decor. call me curtain and be done with it.

fragile girlish ties aside, i think i will not have any bridesmaids when (if?) i get married. all my guests will wear clothes they like and feel good in (ballroom decor be hanged!). they will not need to wake up before the crack of dawn to fuss over hair and face, nor will they have to worry about coming up with games to taunt my man with. they will come for the wedding, drink and be merry, and we will all have the time of our lives. and nobody will feel the need to lose weight for my wedding, or feel all self-sacrificial just because ‘they love me’.

that’s if i get married, of course. out of boredom, i did this silly facebook quiz that’s supposed to tell me when i will get married. according to the quiz, a whole bunch of my friends, including myself, will get married in exactly 4 years and 1 months’ time. well. i suppose the wedding industry will be wanting that bit of information.