woke up to another bright and cheery sunday, which put me into yet another cleaning frenzy. when i see the sun shining like this, i get an overwhelming urge to put something out there to dry even when i have to dig around for clothes to wash. yes, even these days, when doing a batch of laundry costs me exactly 150 yen.

i have yet another class presentation to work on; these inane exercises in translating an english textbook into japanese are testing my patience sorely. the process goes something like this – transfer textbook from shelf to desk, do laundry, open a new word document, have lunch and read the papers, move the textbook within reading range, look at new items on etsy and read blogs, open textbook, watch an episode of gossip girls… i never quite get down to it, and really, all i want to do is go out and run in the autumn sun. i hate that nobody in the class really seems to take an interest in anything. i can’t fathom why these strange young kids in the masters class even thought of pursuing their studies.

on a separate note… i bought a crazy hat and took some bad pictures.

i am not usually a hat person, but this was crazy enough to cheer me up after my headache escalated into a fever and took me out of a performance a couple of days back, and also to take the edge off my shopaholic tendencies. i have pledged (not that anyone is aware of it) not to buy any new clothes for the next few months, but i will not count accessories, shoes and underwear. evil exemptions, i know, but… small steps. i have been inspired by the numerous fashion remixing and clothes makeover-ing blogs i found, and they made me terribly ashamed of how i have not been making the utmost best of the huge wardrobe i have.

if anything makes me feel a little less guilty for being the very material person i seem to be these days, it is that one of the professors i have much admiration and respect for told me that my research is of great relevance and importance, and that i should keep it up. happy, not because of the positive affirmation, but because i had always wondered if there was a point to all this theorizing and researching… and now i know that at least someone believes there is.

woke up this morning to a cozy, rainy day. it had actually been cold enough to put on the heater last night, so, lulled by the rain and the toasty warmth in the room, i did not manage to extricate myself from my blankets till well past ten today.

it has almost been a month, but i still feel strangely disjointed every saturday, accustomed as i have been to spending saturday mornings looking through music scores and readying my voice for practice. these days, i clean the room, do some work, daydream, and timidly attempt to do some vocal exercises – timidly because i do not want a rumour to start going around the dormitory, about a certain haunted room on the sixth floor.

work has increased exponentially in just one week, and i am starting to feel a little breathless just trying to keep up. a fortune teller once told me that i am destined to lead a life of hard work despite being a naturally lazy person, and i am so afraid that he may be right.

i have been invited to participate in a joint research project, and spoke to several researchers last night at one of the project meetings. i was more than a little surprised to learn that many of them had left school with a heavy debt and no employment prospects, but were fortunate enough to have husbands to live on. certainly, i had done my research before taking the plunge, but to find so many such researchers gathered in one room – all female – was somewhat discouraging. i do not think my search for the perfect expat husband will come to fruition any time soon, and am rather afraid that i will be doomed to collecting favors at soup kitchens unless i somehow manage to publish at least 10 papers in the 3 years to come. how is that even humanly possible?

i suppose some of my anxiety is showing, and more than one person has told me to relax, that i still have much time ahead of me. but sometimes, the weight of being a single woman with retiring parents back home comes crashing down on my shoulders, and i begin to wonder if i should have stayed in the civil service instead. but that is pointless musing, so i turn to my books and papers instead. the first paper has to be ready for submission by the end of summer. reality looks rather grim right now, but i suppose there is no greater motivating force than a little drama.

i felt lazy today and gave up my daily walk in favour of laundry, toilet-cleaning, and tv. i played around with my new phone a bit but soon tired of it. i am rather contrary by nature – before i got my hands on any of them, i missed my gadgets with a vengeance and felt that life had stopped. but now, with phone and tv lined up alongside my computer, i am not quite sure what to do with them, and am rather disturbed by the collection of wires linking tv to dvd recorder, computer to socket, phone to computer…

part of my unwillingness to get out of bed and begin being industrious may be attributed to the shock i received from the talk i had with my supervisor yesterday. he was sweet and reassuring, and told me over and over again that there is no way i would get rejected from the phd program. but that did not soften the impact of the tasks he laid out before me – to publish one paper by next february, to become a member of certain academic societies in japan to facilitate future academic activities, and to make contact with the professor whom he has asked to be my supervisor after his retirement if i failed to graduate in 3 years. i hadn’t quite seen that last one (his retirement) coming, so am still feeling a little… open-mouthed at the news. incidentally, my supposed new mentor-to-be is korean. what is it with me and koreans, really? and publishing a paper within this year…? i had thought this was to be my take-it-easy-and-get-used-to-life year, but i guess le prof had other plans.

i suppose panic will hit some time tomorrow or the day after. for now, i am content to remain as numb as i have been for the past one week. as long as the toilet is clean, life cannot be too bad.

the entire scholarship application and pre-departure process is a testament to my growing ability to take things as they come without worrying overmuch. where i would previously have cried in frustration and become severely depressed, i now shrug my shoulders and focus on something more practical (or at least, more interesting), even if i cannot quite laugh about it.

the embassy appears to take delight in sending documents one at a time (quite literally, one piece of paper each time). each piece of paper seems to concretize my status as a scholarship receipient and student-to-be just a little more, and seems to swipe away just a little more doubt. it is rather amusing, at the end of the day… this… game they are playing. and yes, i say this with absolutely no sarcasm. cross my heart. the university, too, (bless their heart) assured me today that the location of the roof over my head in tokyo has been confirmed, and that i would receive news tomorrow. i am, i think, a happy girl.

so now i can commence packing, get a haircut, meet a dozen people for a dozen farewell meals (is it not funny though, that i may not even have met some of these people ever since i came back two years back? hello, and goodbye?), studiously avoid the pensive eyes of the male P.. .well… among other things. i have packed and moved, packed and moved, packed and moved so many times in the past almost-ten years that i have since lost any sense of urgency and/or fear. my mind, instead, insists on dwelling upon the unimportant things – right now, one of the most important of those unimportant things is to savour that mysterious, renowned chwee kueh at tiong bahru. i don’t even have any earthly idea where in tiong bahru i should go. it is really quite a catastrophe.

i cannot quite put into words how sick i am of translating documents about animal vaccines, but since i am more than grateful for all the money that awaits, i will not put my emotions into words after all. suffice it to say that i have mastered the art of translating something more or less accurately without quite knowing what it is trying to communicate. (there goes my professional credibility.) but isn’t one skill just as good as the other?

…blog.

the work remains unfinished, yet my day is nearly done. i have a 3,500-word translation due early tomorrow morning, which, in industry terms, means an almost two-day work. but i have been known to complete two weeks worth of work in two nights, so i fear not, really.

i can’t think about work tonight because i’m a girl. don’t believe all that rubbish they say on tv about how their product could make you feel fresh and normal. at the risk of being crude, blood gushing out of you is not normal by any standards. who came up with this whole idea anyway? and they had to couple it with raging hormones that make you eat too much and weep too much. i don’t care what they (who?) say. bad hormones. bad, bad, bad hormones.

i went to submit the final documents for the scholarship yesterday. i asked the Woman (she’s pretty decent, really. i mean her no offence.) when i would know the final, final results. she told me, probably end of this year. i stared at her and went, end of this year? oh dear… end of this year? oh dear… i wouldn’t stop saying oh dear and i must have looked really perplexed, because she then tried to reassure me by telling me that every single person they had recommended so far had received the scholarship. so i brightened up and said something to the effect of oh, really? to which she replied, so far.. and then she looked at me, and for good measure, repeated, so far… so far… so now i don’t know what to think. would it be bad luck to take that as an ok? would it be stupid not to?

but there are so many issues to be sorted out before i go. how can i wait till the end of this year? i need to look for an apartment; i need to decide what to bring and what not to (tough one there); i need to decide if i should get an iphone now or wait till i get there; i need to diet (i cannot explain the relevance of that, but i’m a girl. dieting is always important. don’t ask.); i need to dust off my books and read them all over again, and try to feel like a real phd candidate (just saying those three letters scares the hell out of me)… how can i do that all in less than three months?? preposterous!

i suppose i could do all these things anyway, but i don’t want to without knowing for sure. if i were not going, i would just spend more time watching desperate housewives. life could be so much simpler; sometimes i wonder why i even want to go back to school.