i like listening to 90’s hits on streaming radio through itunes. the 90’s were good. my teen years. angsty, stressful, awkward, wonderful years. why do things always seem good in hindsight? in ten years, i will be reminiscing this time in japan – this awful year of The Aches – the heart, the stomach, the shoulders, the brain… it seems unbelievable that this time in my life may actually look like fun at some other time in my life. unbelievable, and scary.

it was cold today, and will likely be, as well, tomorrow. i am spending the time snuggling in my toasty room, drinking hot tea, working on translations, making the unbearably achy shoulders even achier than ever, and listening to the radio. doesn’t that smack of some hollywood movie? not the really recent ones, but the ones made in the 90’s. more than 10 years ago. seriously?

can you believe that it is november? already? can you smell christmas, already? almost over, my final year as a 20-something year old. and as i say, year after year after year after year, nothing to show for it. more blog posts, perhaps. this combination of pms and fall/winter-blues is not good for me. i just want to hide away somewhere and listen to joni mitchell all day and feel sorry for myself. for my parents. for my family. for s (where are you? what are you doing?). because, strange as it may seem, i feel guilty that i seem to be the only one having a run of good(ish) luck.

credo! credo! credo!

for days now, i have woken up with the sun at about 5 and worked non-stop at the computer till dinner time whereupon i collapse, eyeballs burning, onto the bed. yet, my mind and body, running on some kind of strange adrenaline, refuse to shut down properly at the end of the day – you know how computers running on windows tend to do have problems closing programmes, or start installing updates right when you really want them to just shut up and shut down? that is what my brain feels like these days. my sleep continues to be restless, and i think about coffee the way they talk about chickens and eggs – do i drink coffee because i do not get enough quality sleep and need to stay awake during the day, or do i not get enough quality rest because i drink too much coffee during the day?

i am a busy person.

but the truth is (i feel as if i need to clarify this because i do whine. a lot.) there is a certain enjoyment i derive from driving myself this way. i would much rather be frustrated doing research than not be frustrated doing anything else. and i suppose, to a certain extent, i prefer having my time filled to the utmost brim than sit around nervously, wondering if i have forgotten something because… well, because… how is it possible to actually be free? i whine endlessly about wanting to have time to read fiction and take long walks and drink red wine, but i cannot quite handle yet the guilt that comes with enjoying life; it is too soon, and i haven’t quite done enough to deserve any of that.

but that doesn’t make me quite a crazy masochist yet, i think. if i were, i would certainly not be what the japanese call my pace; i would probably be a series of nervous twitches and be far more efficient than i am now (and likely then, be able to sleep more while accomplishing more). and i certainly would not be blogging when i should be working. or getting up to clean the toilet even when i am this close to finishing a piece of work, only because i want to take a break and cleaning the room is the most time- efficient kind of break that i know of. for all my whining, i believe, deep inside, that i am a rather mentally and emotionally stable person who loses it only for about a week and a half every month (perhaps on full moon nights too, but i never really observed those patterns). it is a rather reassuring thought.

…blog.

the work remains unfinished, yet my day is nearly done. i have a 3,500-word translation due early tomorrow morning, which, in industry terms, means an almost two-day work. but i have been known to complete two weeks worth of work in two nights, so i fear not, really.

i can’t think about work tonight because i’m a girl. don’t believe all that rubbish they say on tv about how their product could make you feel fresh and normal. at the risk of being crude, blood gushing out of you is not normal by any standards. who came up with this whole idea anyway? and they had to couple it with raging hormones that make you eat too much and weep too much. i don’t care what they (who?) say. bad hormones. bad, bad, bad hormones.

i went to submit the final documents for the scholarship yesterday. i asked the Woman (she’s pretty decent, really. i mean her no offence.) when i would know the final, final results. she told me, probably end of this year. i stared at her and went, end of this year? oh dear… end of this year? oh dear… i wouldn’t stop saying oh dear and i must have looked really perplexed, because she then tried to reassure me by telling me that every single person they had recommended so far had received the scholarship. so i brightened up and said something to the effect of oh, really? to which she replied, so far.. and then she looked at me, and for good measure, repeated, so far… so far… so now i don’t know what to think. would it be bad luck to take that as an ok? would it be stupid not to?

but there are so many issues to be sorted out before i go. how can i wait till the end of this year? i need to look for an apartment; i need to decide what to bring and what not to (tough one there); i need to decide if i should get an iphone now or wait till i get there; i need to diet (i cannot explain the relevance of that, but i’m a girl. dieting is always important. don’t ask.); i need to dust off my books and read them all over again, and try to feel like a real phd candidate (just saying those three letters scares the hell out of me)… how can i do that all in less than three months?? preposterous!

i suppose i could do all these things anyway, but i don’t want to without knowing for sure. if i were not going, i would just spend more time watching desperate housewives. life could be so much simpler; sometimes i wonder why i even want to go back to school.