woke up past one with some strange feelings in my chest and could not quite figure out what was wrong. it was only when i sat up and started burping that i realised it must have been heartburn. the pain migrated to a more familiar place once i got out of bed and became gastric pains; that was it – so much for that one night of triumphant sleep. i have been rather religious about not eating before bedtime… perhaps it is time to say goodbye to coffee for good.

it was just as well that i had woken up, i suppose, because it started raining and i had forgotten to take in the laundry. the weather is being really weird still – hot and muggy at times, cold and muggy at times, warm and windy at times, cool and dry at times. i have never known a spring quite like this.

my friendly korean neighbor is chain-smoking despite it being past two in the morning; i am so well-trained i can decipher the click of her lighter and lean over to close my windows before the smoke flies in. i am going shopping for an iron tomorrow, because, i reckon, if she can get away with smoking in her room, i can get away with ironing and then some more.

i really do not like being awake at such times in the night, when all i can do is hug my blanket and wish i were somewhere very far away indeed.

it has turned significantly warmer. some days, the afternoon sun is so searing hot, i am momentarily transported back to singapore. but evening comes with customary spring chill, and i am reminded again that i am not there, but here. very much so.

i was invited to sit in for a choir practice yesterday. the practice venue was out of tokyo (by which we usually mean the 23 wards that make up the main part of the city), and i enjoyed the train ride very much. watching the buildings and cityscape give way to low houses, fields, and spring flowers was cheering – so much so that i did not quite realize i was heading in the wrong direction until it was rather late… i had set off with more than a half hour to spare, and ended up being half an hour late. i was much embarrassed and profusely apologetic, but they waved it off and welcomed me so warmly it became impossible to say no when the question came: so would you like to join us? it felt like it would be a slap in their faces if i so much as asked for some time to consider it.

post-practice and dinner party, i came away exhausted. the entire way home, my brain worked feverishly, wanting to know why. why? wherefore the discomfort? i knew these people, i had sung with them before (albeit in a different setting), they were warm, friendly, welcoming… so why?

i am, i suppose, fiercely loyal, and so… i cannot quite forgive them for not being the choir that i am used to. that, i know, is gross injustice to them, but i will allow myself a little time to get over these sentiments. after all, it has been barely two weeks since i arrived; i am pre-menstrual, worried about school, and mostly, rather much more homesick than i care to admit. for now, they will have to remain them, until such time when my brain comes to accept it as us (but will it ever?) still, they are a young choir yet, and so ablaze with enthusiasm and passion that i cannot help but admire their spirit.

i hadn’t wanted to publish this post, because in my heart of hearts, i am fiercely competitive, and whining like this (homesickness! at my age, if you please!) seems too… defeatist. but it takes a certain amount of courage to confess to moments of weakness, so i shall attempt to harness that and focus on what i have come here to do.

these sensations of homesickness are so surreal i cannot help but submit to them. is it age, hormones, or something else altogether?

the impossibility of bringing everything i have with me has finally sunk in; bit by painful bit, i remove pieces of myself from the trunk and put them back in the closet. it is rather difficult to explain why there is something so immensely personal and sad about this process. after all, i will be back here before half a year is over… but how can i convince anyone that it will all be the same, and yet different?

9 years ago, change was exciting. change was, then, a little like a roller-coaster ride – something you dreaded and looked forward to all at the same time. but it may be that these years have wrought too many changes; somehow, somewhere along the way, the bright-eyed wonder became wide-eyed fear. adjustment and ‘dealing with it’ became a chore rather than a challenge, and change… you start to wonder if you are simply looking for trouble. it really isn’t a necessary evil, is it?

i am living a moment. bossa nova, cool breezes and a hint of impending rain. a new suitcase. the headache is gone at long last. there is a soft, furry ball of contentment in me.

the female P pops in and out of my room, giving me stern instructions to bring this or that, eat this or that, remember this or that… go take a shower now… i feel a little seedling of homesickness sprouting within me.

i pack it in with the multitude of emotions i struggle with daily, and revel in my moment.

i thought i really might die when i woke up this morning to an unending coughing fit, as my body worked feverishly to expel all the phlegm blocking up its airways. but the body does not give out quite as easily as i had thought (doesn’t it?). all i had needed was some good medicine and much sleep, so i gave up working and did just that.

it feels as if our brief respite in cruel heat is over before it even started. we haven’t had much rain, and the nights are warm again. those lulling breezes so reminiscent of fall are now, once again, warm puffs of air… everything in singapore seems to be pulling me back and making me homesick way before i am due to leave. yesterday, the choir sang bunga sayang, and incapitated as i was (voice-wise, that is), i listened for the first time without singing along. they sang well, and it brought up a surge of nostalgia. strange isn’t it? how one can feel homesick even at home.

i never used to really experience homesickness in all those years in japan, and i don’t want to start now. it can hamper, and i cannot let anything get in the way of what i need to achieve there.