i spent the better part of yesterday on the bed in a fit of anaemic dizziness, and could not even roll around to comfort myself because the slightest movement meant contending with nausea and a spinning room.

so i had to be contented with keeping my eyes tightly shut, and entertaining myself with strange dreams about going home and meeting the newest member of the choir – a female, in the bass section.

woke up this morning to yet another day of gloomy rains and chill, a headache, and still more nausea. i wish it would stop raining already.

it doesn’t get any easier.

i shuffled along orchard road uncertainly after the movie today, not quite sure where to turn. part of me wanted to just stroll down the street, staring at the lights, the people, the cars; part of me wanted to dash home in a cab; part of me wanted to walk into a cafe and have a cuppa. all parts of me were satisfied with the decision to take a bus home, for once in a long while… watching the lights, people, and cars whiz by in a blur as the likes of glay and mr. children (oh the days of j-pop!) roared in my ears. christmas angst. it has been a while.

still, it hasn’t been all bad. the weather, for one. it has been beautifully cool. the days are sometimes sunny, but never harsh; at night, the breezes are a cross between a tropical caress and fall-ish melancholy. there is always good food and good company, money enough to be a little careless, wine enough to get a little tipsy, music enough to go a little wild. this is, after all, the season for all these, and then some more.

there is also less and less time for more and more work, but less time to reflect is almost always a good thing. work will keep all those complicated and needless thoughts at bay. i need to be so exhausted that sleep will come effortlessly and dreamlessly.

just last night, i dreamt that mum had killed the neighbor in a fit of irritation and saddled me with the crime, only because she knew i would get away with it because i had alibis. but we all got through it; nothing happened, and the investigators faded away to a merry scene of chinese new year cheer, wailing babies, meals, meals, and more meals. just another one of the ridiculous dreams that plague me each night.

and each year, i wonder, as christmas and new year gallop toward me with terrifying rapidity – what will the new year bring?

i feel almost normal for the first time in two weeks. there are remnants of physical discomfort, and the world is wont to start spinning at the most unpredictable moments, but for the most part, i’m back. at least, i hope so.

because too much work has piled up in the meantime. shampoo bottles to be translated (one of my more interesting assignments in a long while), music to be learnt, a voice to recover, and… school! school! is it possible to look forward to something and yet really dread it at the same time?

i couldn’t sleep well last night, and fell into a restless dream about having to study physics and maths again, alongside my own research work. physics! maths! talk about ghosts of the past. all those old, familiar feelings of repulsion towards these subjects came flying back and i could do nothing to help myself. no matter how i tried, i only ended up failing test after test after test. i wish i could have woken up before i decided to withdraw from school (in my dreams, that is); that sense of fear and despair may not have stayed with me throughout the day then.

so much of life is about conquering fear. perhaps, because i am who i am, so much of life is simply about fear. a cough could always be more than a cough, vertigo and nausea more than just reaction to antibiotics, and the exhaustion that wouldn’t go away a harbinger of… well, something. what if i don’t get that scholarship? what if (knock wood) something major happens at home while i’m trying to be doctor so-and-so? what if i have to drop out of school without getting that final degree of degrees, and never get to become doctor so-and-so? what if (gasp) i never sing again? what if i never get over the bitterness of these four years and never feel the excitement of having a crush again? (is that possible at all?)

these days, the fear is forced upon you even if you have none to begin with. you could pick up a piece of chocolate and wonder if it’s loaded with melamine and become the very last piece of chocolate you ever eat. you could be taking a daily jog (as you have been for the last x number of years) and it could be the very last jog you ever take. you could be going to work at the same time as you have been doing for the last x number of years and find that you no longer have a job (or worse, that there is no longer a company to go to).

but that is why so much of life is about conquering the fear. i tell myself this as i read the news, as i learn to sing something both beautiful and trying… even as i get measured out for a bridesmaid gown (trust me, those numbers the seamstress was jotting down – scary). i fight to keep my world stable. spin if you have to, but never out of control.

i haven’t thought about shakespeare for a long, long time now, although his works were one of my favorite parts of high school literature.

but mortality issues always call to mind shakespeare, and hamlet in particular. that famous soliloquy of his… i have a love-hate relationship with it, both repulsed and annoyed (just make up your mind and do it already!), yet impressed by all the conflicting thoughts he had – things we all think about, doubtless, but are unable to put into words (no less a speech).

the fact is, i have just heard about someone’s demise - a person i know nothing of except through certain remarks made in passing by mutual friends. a good musician, a nice person with no airs, an only child, just a little younger than i am… gone. just like that. deaths that happen close to home always get me in the guts – i feel as if i did know him, and i cannot grapple with the enormity of it. it just makes me… sad… and scared. my mind keeps returning to my dream of death, and i feel horribly, horribly scared. death smacks of never – a word brutal in its certainty and finality. at 28, it is rather difficult to face never. i cannot yet find peace in the idea of an eternal sleep.

for in that sleep of death what dreams may come…

in a desperate attempt to take my mind off the morbidity… i had a most ridiculous dream last night. i saw myself preparing the music studios for the music exams, as always, and some really adorable little girl whom i had been playing with (she couldn’t have been older than four) suddenly decided to call me names. as i put chairs in place, she ran circles around me and started chanting bui-bui! bui-bui! that, in fact, is the hokkien equivalent of fatty! fatty! i don’t remember being awfully angry with her because she sounded endearing even as she insulted (what a gift, isn’t it?) but i woke up and squirmed in mortification.

oh, the world of dreams… the fears you confront when you least expect to…

… i decided, instead, to blog.

my first pop concert! colorful and noisy and absolutely awesome! misia is an amazing singer on stage; much more so than on her recordings, in fact. she had boundless energy, singing and dancing and jumping and running on stage; we felt breathless just watching her. and her whistle tone…! i didn’t exactly hear her sing five octaves (she is supposed to have that range. i don’t know if that is even humanly possible) but there must have been at least 3.5 octaves between the highest and lowest notes she sang.

and part of me wanted to have that kind of power too – to make the audience dance and sing and clap and cheer, and walk away with huge smiles.

on a more sombre note, i dreamt that i died. and it wasn’t even the first time. actually, on second thoughts, i think i won’t go into it. it was too vivid, too terrifying… much more so than i would care to admit. i’m just not ready to die yet. i don’t know if i would ever be.

i am so tired! and there is so much work to be done. so much music to learn. so many errands to run. so many trips and dinners to organize. even so… there is always still time to do so much remembering, so much forgetting, so much wishin’ and hopin’.

the cloying smell of lilies. the sad, pleading tones of stabat mater. the comforting breeze that speaks of impending rain. my senses reel as they attempt to assimilate all these to make a coherent whole, but what is the point? this is our world now – the postmodern confusion that finds harmony in dischord.

i am relieved that the concert is safely over and the choir happily in the next leg of its asian tour. i am beyond relieved that the monster job has been cancelled and i can look forward to a little lull and peace, sing, read a little, and of course, the everlasting item on my to-do list – lose some weight.

i dreamt up a short film last night (or do they call the really short ones micro films?) somehow, i managed to bump into s somewhere on the streets of singapore. shock and horror. he was wearing a red-and-white combi (our national colors). greater shock and horror. i took much pains to pretend that i hadn’t seen him, but our eyes finally met. this is the most poignant part of the dream – he wore a pained and hurt expression on his face, like a dog that couldn’t believe its owner would butcher and eat it, and said to me, ‘why didn’t you contact me?’ i think my brain froze then (even in my dreams!). i cannot remember what i said in response then, but it must have been something to the effect of ‘i didn’t contact you???’ (with italic-emphasis on just about every word) my alarm went off then and i had to leave that potentially interesting conversation there. what a dream… what surreal subconscious thoughts… what a disturbed mind and heart… i do think i have issues i need to clear up.

time to sleep.

just as i was swimming happily in confused dreams about the female P having psychic powers (she actually was a professional medium and had people coming to ask her things about their fortunes. and she found my lost earrings!), choir uniforms that i had neglected to send for laundry, and living in a big house with a decorative tombstone in the front yard (?)… my wake-up call came in the form of my former manager wanting me to do a piece of work for her. well. so much for the much-needed shuteye. i feel as if i haven’t slept properly, in my bed that is, for the longest time.

a strange creature visited my room last night and scared the wits out of me. it was a flying thing that looked somewhat like a dragonfly at first sight, but resembled a cockroach once it settled. it did settle – on my couch, no less. fortunately enough for me, it decided to stop roving long enough for me to gather my computer and dash to the hall for shelter. i stayed there the rest of the night, alternately working and falling asleep on the cold floor, but at least the thing was gone by morning. so many rooms in the house and it had to visit mine.

incidentally, i am a new fan of eta’s potato chips. there are a thousand flavors (alright, i exaggerate. maybe a dozen or so) but i could only find a couple in the local stores. i have been living off feta and garlic crisps since last night. i will probably try out the garlic aioli the next time pms swings by (although strictly speaking, any time between your last menses and your next is a pre-menstrual phase, is it not?)

but i must really start to curb my diet, and will actually start going to the gym today. woohoo! let’s hope i do not start wheezing and end up using that as an excuse again. i do hate feeling like a piece of fat, going around saying ‘let the fat roll. yeah’.

thunderbird is still acting up. i am so mad. if one of the best email clients in the world cannot work with me, i am somewhat forced to accept that the problem lies with me. that is a sad revelation. cause for more chips-bingeing!