i decided to give up on facebook entirely. there is no way anyone with any kind of job can keep up with that thing, particularly after participating in any kind of medium-sized event that entailed much photo-taking. i don’t even quite know anymore all the people professing to be friends (i mean no offence, but i seriously do not), and am rather amazed that they have, at some point in time, taken a photo with me; even more amazing is the fact that they remember enough of me to tag the picture with my name. i am humbled, embarrassed, and more than a little afraid. who are you? i wonder, but how many times a day can a person ask that question?

chinese new year passed in a whir of food, constipation, and babies. someone must have been lying about the birthrates, or misplaced all the babies when they did the census, because guess what? my extended family seems to have gotten more than its fair share. they were all over the place – on the floors, the sofa, the steps… in the rooms, the kitchen, the hall, the courtyard… in your face, your hair, your arms… and basically throwing up milk and sundry other contents (i dare not speculate what) on your favourite new clothes and everywhere else. whose baby are you? i wonder, but how many times a day can you ask that question?

apparently (i shall not reveal my sources here), i may face problems with all forms of human relationship this year, and i will have to work doubly hard to keep those relationships going, and to prevent them from affecting all the other aspects of my life. i don’t quite know how i’m going to do that given that i already feel nothing but exhaustion when faced with my fellow beings. people can be so tiring, and there are so many of them around. 62 facebook notifications make me want to give up on the entire network… surely it wouldn’t take much more to make me wish to stop communicating with my entire world?

i’m on fibre pills again, on top of the other three medicines i have to take for the wheezing. not good.

went to meet a little miracle of life today. babies are sweet. they can’t help it. they don’t have to be anything but the small little wonders they are, and you feel like melting when you carry one. i wanted to hold her forever, and talk nonsense to her, feed her, sing to her…

… but i have decided not to have one of my own. well.

halfway through the visit, s sent me a message to wish me a happy weekend. my heart did weird things, and i couldn’t stop smiling to myself. to think that after all this time, he still wields such power over me. so there i am, baby on one arm, s in my heart… the combination was quite heartbreaking, really.

on a lighter note, i received notification to sit for the scholarship exam. one small step in the long arduous journey! i read the mail about ten times over. i still feel rather superstitious about being hopeful and all. dare i wish? i don’t know.

it’s been a roller-coaster day of sorts. emotional turmoil – ups, downs, up, downs… until i have no idea where i am situated anymore. i do know that i have more work than a normal person can handle. i don’t know when i’m going to do it all. sigh.

and here’s something i cannot say out loud (because i don’t want to hear concerned voices asking me if i’m ok) but yet wish to tell someone… anyone… i felt lonely today.