it seems to have been quite a long while since i’ve posted (of course, considering the overwhelming regularity with which i used to blog). much has crossed my mind, but every time i start a new post, the words go, and my thoughts flash by too rapidly and resist all attempts to convert them into a coherent whole.

mostly, i guess, because i am angry. and it is rather difficult being angry when you are not sure why.

there. i have run into a dead end again.

in between all the anger, though, is a healthy dose of work and social meetings, all pepppered with not-quite-so-healthy doses of alcohol. almost, i am not aware of what i am doing… a strange hibernating beast that knows it must awake when spring arrives; in the meantime, it sleeps, doing the barest it needs to stay alive, and knowing only instinctively (but not intellectually; sensation rather than knowledge) that the new season will bring with it new life. strange, only because it knows it is self-destructive in so many ways – that perhaps, winter is only its own construct, and that spring has already arrived (never left).

and no uppercase still loves ee cummings.

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in time of daffodils (who know
the goal of living is to grow)
forgetting why,remembering how
in time of lilacs who proclaim
the aim of waking is to dream,
remember so (forgetting seem)
in time of roses (who amaze
our now and here with praise)
forgetting if, remember yes
in time of all sweet things beyond
whatever mind may comprehend,
remember seek (forgetting find)
and in a mystery to be
(when time from time shall set us free)
forgetting me, remember me

ee cummings

it’s official. i have caught a cold. unless it is one of those morning bugs that will disappear as the day heats up… i am in for some fun. my nose is sore, my head aches, and i want to disappear into a black hole somewhere. not a day for singing, and most certainly not for work.

but what has to be done, has to be done. and do it i will, nose or no nose.

it’s been difficult dealing with the anger recently. i’m a peace-loving animal for the most part, and when it comes to people i love, i am certainly highly forgiving. but this anger is a beast of another color, and it makes me want to destroy, and hurt, and hurl things around. i want to inflict both physical and emotional pain somehow, and being unable to do it is making me feel genuinely frustrated. so… i can do nothing but crawl back into myself and try to fight the beast alone. and what a tough battle it is shaping up to be.

i’m simply relieved that we have no projects coming up for a few months yet. it’s good to know i can go all out and be as sick as my body wants to be; that i can sniffle and cough and wheeze all i want and mope around wretchedly. sometimes, being sick can be a cleansing process. maybe some of the anger will be purged alongside everything else that is currently stuck in my sinuses and throat.

i don’t mean that at all. sometimes sarcasm takes the edge off things and makes life more bearable.

such fodder for whining! all of a sudden, i have four trips to plan – half of which i am not even keen on. i used to think that any form of travelling equals to loads of fun, especially when a plane is involved. but i am now old(er), and very, very spoilt; certain conditions just do not do it for me anymore.

then there is the pseudo-fever, the wheezing, the coughing, the chills… oh, and still, 24/7-ish work. i should be excited, really. a professional whiner could get so much out of all this.

a wake has been going on at the next block for three, four? days, and they’re playing an endless stream of chinese-y music… ranging from chinese opera to theresa teng. i’m just a little bothered, but for the most part want to respect the deceased, so have just let it flow past me. the chinese, i think, believe in huge, noisy send-offs (actually, we believe in huge, noisy, anything and everything). but i think i would loathe that for myself. i don’t really think i want to hear cymbals and gongs; i would likely get distracted and forget where i’m supposed to be going. no, none of that.

elevator music, or airport music – those ubiquitous tunes, unknown, yet familiar, seem apt somehow. not quite so intimate that i would not be able to tear my eternal soul away from earth; not quite so garish that i would cringe in my grave; not quite so cold and unknown that i would wonder if people i loved were around at all.

when you’re a freelancer, people somehow stop treating you as a normal person. they don’t care if you have lost an arm in an accident; if they want their work today, they want their work today. now. always now. so… hie-ho, it’s back to work i must go.

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some six hours down the road…

the fever has subsided somewhat, leaving me a little more energy to look around me and stop whining for a while.

i am trying to grasp the enormity of the ‘black sunday’ events that are splashed all over the papers. i get what the papers say, but no amount of translating annual reports have helped me get the true picture. i want to know because i have some money locked up in the greenback and i may just lose several months of hard work through no action on my part; i want to know because they make it sound like another great depression is coming, and that is akin to war; i want to know because, well, at eight-and-twenty, i really do care more about the world than i make myself out to be; i want to know because i am a media student and yet, find myself unable to decipher if the media is understating or exaggerating the events. and then… i want to know because, simply, it sounds really bad, and it stirs up that kind of morbid interest a plane crash does.

what is happening to the world? should i be scared?

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and then even more hours down the road…

i am so mad i can’t concentrate. this might be one of the few times i truly feel some semblance of anger toward s. and anger is rejuvenating, really. just… not the most conducive to work.

and i think, in my entire existence as a human being (not that i have ever existed as anything else…), this is the first time that i truly felt like i wanted to hurt a person. so there. i feel old now.