mutiny

14Jun09

the rain came down in sheets just as i stepped out of my room to get a cup of hot chocolate (or cocoa au lait, as it is elegantly labeled) from the vending machine at the lobby. i wish it would thunder as well, just to match my somewhat mutinous feelings right now.

the pain and reflux returned with a vengeance last night, for reasons i am not aware of, unless red peppers are also meant to be on the taboo list. i spent the night in bed, ravaged by pain and burping red peppers mixed with acid, and wallowing in self-pity. so much for a perfect day.

it all went on till this afternoon, and i had to plead off from choir rehearsal and a concert i had paid close to 40 bucks for. still, i must confess i wasn’t too sorry. these days, singing with others does not give me the same thrill that it used to, and it is such hard work dragging myself to all sorts of different parts of tokyo every sunday. i cannot quite put my finger on the reasons behind my lack of motivation – the music? the people? the money involved…?

losing something that used to be such a significant part of my life makes me feel rudderless. some days, i ache to feel that sense of satisfaction i get from simply warming up and being able to reach all the way to a high g; from getting a difficult interval right; from hearing how seemingly unrelated notes mesh together as if they were born to do so. singing in a choir, and singing alone at my voice class, used to make me so happy i did feel, literally, like i could burst.

these days, i cannot seem to feel the music with my heart anymore. i become frustrated, annoyed, dislike the way i sound, dislike the foreign sounds around me… there are many days when i croak out a sumimasen on the train and realize that i have not so much as uttered a word for days. it is so strange, this disconnection with sounds, with music, with myself.

i often say that i would hate to become one of those people to whom life is a vale of tears; who cannot stop whining; who is constantly depressed and seeking sympathy. but sometimes, when i stop to read through my blog entries, i see how dangerously close i hover to becoming just that, and jump back in alarm. i see that there is a lot more i could take into my own hands and i want to, i want to. i want to make so much more of my opportunities and the little talents i have. i want to pepper my days with tiny moments of pleasure; multiply those perfect days of mine exponentially. but why is it so much easier to slip into that rut of self-pity?

Filed under: health, music, random, reflections   |  2 Comments
Tags: music, sick, weather, whining