meltdown

18Mar09

i woke up this morning thinking i had a nervous breakdown. my hands shook so badly i could not take my breakfast, and had to resort to gripping a spoon as firmly as i could while i shovelled the food down. and then there were the gastric pains; my heart was in my mouth, and going a little too fast for early morning. all the things i was supposed to complete today, tomorrow, and the day after, crowded in on my brains, which rejected them most fiercely and tried to say i cannot! i wondered briefly if this was how people felt before they suffered from heart attacks, but remembered that there were supposed to be chest pains, and felt relieved.

many deep breaths later, i feel somewhat human again. my mind does not seem to be programmed to say i can’t, my pride refuses to allow it – there is a defiance in me that does not usually rear its head, but today, it demands that i do all that i have to, and more.

in a moment of weakness, i sent s a message, a sort of not-quite-so-subtle plea for help. and he, typically, came back to me in several long messages berating me, forcing me to acknowledge my own limits, and finally… have a good rest. at times like this, i fail to understand, or remember, why we even broke up in the first place.

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Tags: whining, work