going beyond

01Sep08

another concert down in the annals of history.

if you had been there last night, thank you for giving us, and the music, a chance.

post-concert always means a time for reflecting. it is not a simple matter of it being a ‘good’ or a ‘bad’ concert. the journey is as important as the destination, although… the concert is not the destination in itself. it is just another point in the long journey that we have undertaken… but, where to? as a choir mate pointed out, it is never the end; only the beginning.

but this concert, somehow, meant a lot more to me on a personal level. this time, more so than all the previous performances put together, i have broken down so many of my own walls. technical things aside, it has been something to really, really sit down and consider what the music means to the composer, to myself, and to the audience. never before have i so wanted to convey what i felt about a piece of music to the audience. i wanted them to feel the music with their hearts, rather than understand it with their heads. i hope we did some of that last night.

for someone not of the religion, understanding margutti’s missa lorca is no mean feat. i struggled with it, fighting an unfamiliar language and metaphors that were way out of my league. but at the end of the day, the themes of life and death and eternal salvation are, i guess, universal. as life comes to an end, fear… uncertainty… peace… perhaps even joy?… and the ultimate closure… putting aside all the regrets and apologies and anger, and believing – not necessarily in God and salvation, but at least, in the inevitable nature and finality of it all, and in our own mortality. so, as in the final movement of kyrie… be always alive, be eternally dying. all that – i really, truly, wanted to convey.

technically, i feel as if i have gotten past something important – the psychological barriers against singing high notes (what are they, after all, but a tightening of the strings in my voice box?), and all those other technical difficulties we were faced with. to be sure, we were not successful all the way; there were accidents which we beat ourselves up for… but now, it is time to move on. it always is. i don’t want to set levels for myself by saying that i am simply an amateur singer who knows only the bare basics in music theory, but still, i feel rather accomplished for having done what i did last night. some years ago, i would never have thought it possible to pour out all that music in one sitting. but we did, and now, there is no knowing what more we can do. it is such an exciting thought.

singers are unique. we are both the musician and the instrument. it could be so easy for us to manipulate our instruments, and yet, it could be so difficult to. but that makes it all the more satisfying, and every time we go beyond what we initially thought was our limit, we feel reborn. it must be what athletes feel when they break records.

the journey continues.

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