credo, credo, credo!
i had a tough night, for reasons better left unspecified. so i started singing. and singing. and singing. and i didn’t quite care that it was past midnight and that the walls were paper thin. the pulsating beats of the light mass felt like sunshine.
in times of weakness, god (it doesn’t quite matter which one you believe in) sends his best ambassadors. i guess i’m not quite ready to give up singing yet.
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i have a lot to do this week, most of which is neither pleasant nor fun. but next week sees me boarding a plane for home… home, home, home! the operation date has been set, and i am worried and excited at the same time. how could going home be such a complicated affair?
i wrote on my alter ego blog about my hunt for the perfect birthday outfit, but external appearances are really not the only things on my mind when it comes to my birthday. my 30th birthday, to be exact.
birthdays are always a time for reflection, and mine happens to come on the heels of new year – more reason for obsessive “i should have…” and “i will…” sessions. more so, because i am turning thirty. not so much by virtue of the fact that i will be three decades old – it’s not as if i am going to get a new nose; but by virtue of the things that have happened in this, my 29th year of life… all the things that overwhelmed me for several months and left me rather incapacitated for a while.
i must say, i never really thought i would be single, unmarried, and unemployed at this age. perhaps one of the three, or even two… but all three? it never once crossed my mind. but here i am. and for a while, it mattered to me. it mattered horribly – this sense of being an underachiever, of having missed something important along the way (along the way to… what?). but perhaps it matters no more. i want it to matter no more.
i want the next ten years of my life to be golden and shiny and colorful, even if i never get the big things that are supposed to make a person happy forevermore.
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Tags: 30th birthday, going home
the master speaks again
i have blogged about the gitanjali some time in the dim and distant past, but picked up my copy for once in a long, long while yesterday. for those not in the know, this is a collection of poems penned by nobel laureate rabindranath tagore, and it is absolute.raw.beauty.
the one below a little more than the others, because i sing.
and i think, like yeats, i will start carrying this little volume around with me, “reading it in railway trains, or on the top of omnibuses and in restaurants.”
————————————————————————
When thou commandest me to sing it seems that my heart
would break with pride; and I look to thy face, and tears
come to my eyes.
All that is harsh and dissonant in my life melts into one
sweet harmony – and my adoration spreads wings like a glad
bird on its flight across the sea.
I know thou takest pleasure in my singing. I know that only
as a singer I come before thy presence.
I touch by the edge of the far spreading wing of my song
thy feet which i could never aspire to reach.
Drunk with the joy of singing I forget myself and call thee
friend who art my lord.
Filed under: music, reflections | 2 Comments
Tags: gitanjali, rabindranath tagore, singing
when old friends become new ones
i think i should just stop blogging and direct you over to dr. boli’s. i love randomness, and he is really just about the most random person i know whom i don’t (did you get that?) but i think you have to be tarred, at least slightly, with some randomness too, if you want to laugh at his little irreverent pieces.
and here’s his take on socks.
it is dark and gloomy and wet this morning, and will continue to be for the next three days. i would usually spend such days in my pjs, lounging around on the bed, attempting to get some work done. but a friend from home is in tokyo, and we will be tackling the optician this morning. i have never had glasses made in japan before; did you know that it is possible to get a pair of glasses made in half an hour? why do they make you wait for days back home??
i have known this friend for a long time, but never actually spoken to him one-on-one for a good, long time before; i wish i had. he is intelligent, funny, and full of such sincere good thoughts about the choral scene back home. i miss talking to people about such things, in a language i can handle. i haven’t felt like singing lately, and rather shocked him when i told him that i didn’t quite care about my voice anymore, and decided that i wanted to drink. but talking to him brought back all the myriad emotions that i have for singing and music, and stirred me; and now i want to sing again.
i can relate to people like him – they have ideals but a firm sense of realism; earnest, sincere, hopeful yet jaded at the same time. at times, i become frustrated when speaking to young japanese; they seem to be either entirely indifferent, or naively idealistic (in a miss-universe-world-peace way). but then again, young singaporeans sometimes seem to be entirely indifferent and overly-pragmatic. both are the result of living in sheltered societies – isn’t that ironic, and interesting?
Filed under: japan, music, reflections, singapore | Leave a Comment
Tags: dr boli, idealism, japanese, old friends, pragmatism, singaporeans, singing
vignette (not quite)
it is so strangely warm today. we have, once again, those blue skies that stretch for miles and miles with not a single cloud in sight. you don’t get to see that a lot back home. it makes me think of texas, for some reason, and i have never even been there in my entire life.
i’m sitting at the library, dreamily attempting to draw up my research schedule for the next three years or so. it’s hard enough to plan the week ahead – three years! how does one go about doing that? there are tinkling sounds in the air, as if someone had left a musical box open in the library. nobody seems bothered. nobody seems to have noticed. i cannot stop myself from looking up now and then; i am not quite disturbed by it, only curious. i take a stealthy sip of hot tea from my tumbler. you aren’t supposed to drink in the library, but it is simply another one of those rules made to be broken. an ambulance goes by. that distracts me. ambulances bring my mind to places it does not want to visit.
it has just hit me that my glass ring has yellow, blue, and white streaks across it; my tumbler has yellow, blue, and white flowers on it; i am wearing a yellow top with teal and white earrings. entirely unintentional, i swear. but aren’t blue and yellow the best color-friends ever? sunshine and sky, warm and cool, bubbly joy and calm.
and i, am ever randomly yours. because i had a matcha old-fashioned donut earlier.
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Tags: blue and yellow, matcha donut, random, weather
the great moka pot
i hadn’t really meant to do this, but i have enjoyed working on this blog so much… taking pictures, putting up pictures, and writing as if i had nothing but wads of (colorful) cotton-wool in my brain. taking off the academic cap and submitting to blind consumerism. letting things be exactly what they look like, and nothing more.
and so, the great moka pot was born.
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Tags: the great moka pot
dr. boli does it again
he drew an outright laugh (open-mouthed, ha-ha sounds) from me, in the morning. again. i love dr. boli, i want to marry someone with a sense of humor like that, and laundry instructions get to me too.
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Tags: dr boli, laundry labels
i like listening to 90’s hits on streaming radio through itunes. the 90’s were good. my teen years. angsty, stressful, awkward, wonderful years. why do things always seem good in hindsight? in ten years, i will be reminiscing this time in japan – this awful year of The Aches – the heart, the stomach, the shoulders, the brain… it seems unbelievable that this time in my life may actually look like fun at some other time in my life. unbelievable, and scary.
it was cold today, and will likely be, as well, tomorrow. i am spending the time snuggling in my toasty room, drinking hot tea, working on translations, making the unbearably achy shoulders even achier than ever, and listening to the radio. doesn’t that smack of some hollywood movie? not the really recent ones, but the ones made in the 90’s. more than 10 years ago. seriously?
can you believe that it is november? already? can you smell christmas, already? almost over, my final year as a 20-something year old. and as i say, year after year after year after year, nothing to show for it. more blog posts, perhaps. this combination of pms and fall/winter-blues is not good for me. i just want to hide away somewhere and listen to joni mitchell all day and feel sorry for myself. for my parents. for my family. for s (where are you? what are you doing?). because, strange as it may seem, i feel guilty that i seem to be the only one having a run of good(ish) luck.
credo! credo! credo!
Filed under: random, reflections | 1 Comment
Tags: nostalgia, pms, the 90's, weather
ode to commodity fetishism
if i were to follow that title, this post would have tags related to marxism, consumerism, capitalism, even baudrillard. but i am not about to delve into a serious discussion on commodity fetishism here. as you may have noticed, i much prefer to keep my academic capers away from a space that i use to vent my frustrations on health and parents and ex-boyfriends.
we were just discussing the concept of commodity fetishism in class yesterday, and i got to thinking about how material objects have become such an important part of my life since summer this year. granted, i have always been an avid shopper and i like to have things, but never to an extent where i felt as if i should sit for a serious shopping addiction test, or that i would actually fail it. it is fortunate that my singaporean head is screwed on rather tightly, and i have not (yet) gotten into debt or those financial woes that seem to beset some shopaholics.
all the readings on social psychology have instead forced me to psychoanalyze myself and question my compulsion to shop, dress up, and surround myself with pretty things. i don’t have an answer. things… commodities… just make me feel happy and secure, and for the past few months, much less lonely. take my mind off fears, make me feel powerful because i have the money to make life better, and give me something to look forward to when i open my mailbox (therefore the obsession with online shopping)… make me feel connected to a world that, otherwise, feels so far away.
for the first time in my life, i am checking out fashion blogs, fashion magazines, learning to do up my own clothes, looking at people on the streets and mannequins in store windows. feeling absolutely superficial because in my world – in the world of academia – you don’t quite embrace commercialism and consumerism, even if you choose not to condemn it. but i am shamelessly in love with this superficial world. it doesn’t make me sad like the other world does.
maybe i have a problem. but as long as my wallet (and wardrobe) holds up, i won’t let it bother me. not for a while. maybe not for a long while.
Filed under: random, reflections | 1 Comment
Tags: consumerism, fashion
